I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
