Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
