What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
