After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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