I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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