I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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