At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
