Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
