I met the friendliest cop last night
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
