I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
