pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
