sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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