Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
