bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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