the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
