so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
