i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
