ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
