I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
