I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
