I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I just found puke in my bra..
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
