I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
