Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
