Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
