a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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