i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
