thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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