I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
