I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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