I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
