I'm sorry my penis didn't work
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
People in love make me want to vomit
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
