i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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