Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
True strength comes from lack of pants
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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