Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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