I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
