I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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