my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
