Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
