you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
NoShamevember. You game?
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
