ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
