I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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