I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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