You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
