watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
