I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
