Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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