She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
