Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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