Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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