who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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