Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
